Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
