he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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