Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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