ya dads aren't the best wingmen
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Less talking, more tequila
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
