dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
