I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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