Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
