Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
