I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
