happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
