my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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