i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
