I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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