I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize