So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
