On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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