im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
