you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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