Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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