Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
