What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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