I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
