Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
