she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
