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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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