I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
