If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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