I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
