I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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