Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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