woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
