she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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