I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
