I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I didn't notice because vodka
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
