proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
