Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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