last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
