did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
