I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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