i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
