so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
