did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize