she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
