zippers are such a cool invention
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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