This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
