While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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