the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
