just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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