you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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