I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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