I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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