Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
