I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
