a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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