i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
