Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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