i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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