Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
