Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
