Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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