her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
