Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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