Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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