my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
