come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
