My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize