I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You are the jesus of drinking
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
