Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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