you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize